It was hard to wake up one morning and feel like all that you’ve known for years, real and tangible, suddenly stolen from you in just a blink of an eye. Was it destiny that took it away? Time? God? All I know is that it broke me. I am still broken. 

It’s already been a year. I will have to contradict myself this time when I say that it’s enough time to be ready and to open up my heart again. The truth is I’m just frightened to go through the entire thing again. I know what it’s like at the beginning. Making me believe that nothing could ever go wrong. How it’s like in between and how badly it could end. We had a good run but the end definitely left a scar. Will it fade? Sure. But how exactly? I don’t know. The forever I once knew, was it a lie?

I’m afraid I won’t get to share that kind of intimacy and connection with another person after what happened. Or that I won’t let myself give the best I can because I’m too consumed with the past. I’m not in love with the person that left me the scars anymore but I am in love with the idea that it’s possible to have that kind of relationship. I’m hoping I’ll get over the idea. I’m damaged and I’m slowly trying to fix myself up again but I think I need someone to help me through all these, someone to make me feel special and loved. That’s another contradiction to what I believe in. See, my mind believes in one thing but my heart goes rogue. 

It’s always hard to let go. Both of my parents and then the person that used to be the love of my life gone in an instant. It’s hella scary that I may have to let go again if things wouldn’t work out with the next person I fall in love with. I’m scared of losing the people I love. It haunts me. I hate that it’s always there the moment I start feeling butterflies again, forcing me to push away the people that are trying to get close to me. It’s shutting me down inside, making me remember how painful it was to end such a beautiful thing.

How can I love when I’m afraid to fall? How can I start again if I’m afraid to get myself out there and feel as if it’s normal to get hurt, which it is. I know I’d have to face it soon but how? When is the right time? And will it be for the right person this time? Will it be worth it?

So I finally did it. 

I deleted her on my facebook and twitter account so I won’t have any reason to look back now. No hopes, no waiting, just more heartache. But that’s okay I guess. At least I’m facing reality now. 

I’m currently here at the office. I asked my friend to do it for me though. She was the one who actually hit the button. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. But I have to. I needed her help. I’ve been thinking about doing it the whole weekend but I just can’t seem to find the strength to. 

Now that it’s through, that there’s nothing left to link us, things are starting to sink in more and more every minute. This is it, huh? We’re really bound to end up this way. I always thought there’s some kind of saving grace in the end. That’s just me. 

I’m fighting the tears from falling down because I don’t want to cause a scene. But yes, my heart is actually being torn into pieces at this very moment. I needed to write this down because this marks the beginning of reality.

You’re always on my mind. But one day I know you’d just become a plain memory and I’d feel nothing upon hearing your name. Right now, I crave to be with you, tell you all the wonderful things that are happening in my life right now and just feel safe again. No, I don’t need you to live. I’d get by. But I need you. Simple as that. You will always be the missing piece. I know you’re never coming back. I’ll find someone like you instead.

• i’m clumsy
• please take care of me
• i’m a hopeless romantic
• i’m a cry baby
• i love rom-coms
• now learning to talk geek (because of my office mates)
• i love to read
• i love receiving small gifts
• i love giving gifts, too
• i love to cuddle
• i daydream a lot
• i can make pancakes for you
• and maybe some toaster oven brownies
• i’d love to brush your hair
• brush mine too, please?
• i love surprises
• i’ll give you little surprises, too, don’t worry
• i love roses and lilies
• i love to give flowers, too
• i’ll write you love letters
• i’ll kiss you on the cheeks
• please kiss me on the forehead
• 1 whole year of monthsaries
• and then anniversaries
• love, love, love
• i’ll love you with all my heart and soul

I blame you for not being strong enough for yourself, for me, for love. I blame you for letting your messed up mind dictate what your heart wanted to do. Your heart was screaming. It was dying to be freed. But you never listened, didn’t you? You just kept it all in, kept it silent when all it wanted was to be heard. Slowly you just forgot how it all used to be. You lost the magic. You grew up. You were so afraid but you never even knew from what. You were just afraid. After all that has happened, after enduring all the pain, you just gave up. You stood there, motionless, speechless. Your heart just stopped beating. That’s my cue to die. 

But I blame myself even more for pushing you. I’ve been pushing you bit by bit that eventually it led you to the edge. And I couldn’t even save you. You also stopped fighting to survive. I was looking down on you but I was busy being the strong person that I am that I didn’t even hear you crying. I blame myself for being strong. I have to learn that it didn’t mean you have to be the same, too. I expected too much from you. The books, the movies, they were all lies. You were real but I wanted more. I was wrong.

We’re both in love but we both got tired and we both just gave up. One gave in first and the other followed. The pressure became unbearable. It needs to stop. 

But I still love you. You will always be the one. And if time could heal all the wounds in our hearts, I’d gladly let go of everything just to have you again.

Talked to my sister about you. She kept asking me questions and I think it’s about time I answer them.

I have to admit that it’s pretty tough bringing them up again. The feelings and thoughts I’ve buried deep within me now exposed. I feel vulnerable, but at least she would stop assuming that I’m a cold fish. After all I’ve told her? No, not anymore. I’ve kept all these for a long time that people start to believe that I don’t feel anything about anything. 

She asked me if I’ve finally moved on and if I feel nothing for you anymore. I paused for a little while and told her “I still love her… very much. But I guess there are some things that you will never get no matter how much you want it.”

Enough denying I guess. It’s been a few months. This is the time when people would probably say that I’ve finally accepted things since I’m ready to talk about it. Yes, in a way. But maybe, I’m just done pretending. I wanna get myself out there and not care whether people say I’m pathetic or hopeless or whatever they want to call me. Bring it.

I still love you and I will always do. There.

If you come back, good. If you don’t, it’s fine as well. But that doesn’t mean I’d force myself to stop loving you. Right now I’m just letting the emotions drag me to wherever it leads me. If it leads me to the path where I’d eventually forget you, then better.

This… You… What I’m feeling… It’s inexplicable, it’s inevitable. I’m gonna embrace it and let it take over me. For once, I’m gonna let my guard down.

I dreamt about a guy last night.

I couldn’t seem to see his face in my dream but I felt a kind of security I’ve never felt before when I was with him. I felt free and happy. I was definitely smiling all over the place. 

It was really vague, but I could still feel all the wonderful things he made me feel in that dream. I remember him staring into my eyes and ugh… I don’t know. The only thing that’s kinda funny was that The Wombats’ Anti-D was playing in the background the whole time (hey, that song’s kinda sweet, too). Maybe because it’s the last song I listened to before I went to bed last night. 

But wow, I need to meet this guy. I know God’s already writing my love story and I bet it’s gonna be awesome! ♥♥♥

I can’t find the courage to listen to any love song since what happened. I’ve been trying to move on and I think I’m doing a good job. But I still can’t escape the reality that everything just reminds me of you. The simplest things would bring back the memories and it’s so hard to fight back the tears. We’ve been through a lot and I can’t just forget all of them instantly. Don’t worry, I’ll get by.

I’ll be repainting my room next week and tomorrow I’m going to clean my room. I’ll be keeping all your things and the things that you gave me, no need to throw them away. Maybe the things that remind me of you, too. That would probably leave half of my room empty and I’m gonna need a lot of boxes. I’ve gotta do it.

I’m doing great by the way. Made me realize that it’s wrong to surrender yourself completely to love. I know I told you I’d be miserable without you and I’m happy I’m not. I get lonely most of the times but I guess that’s normal considering it’s only been a few months. A few more and I think I’d be good as new. I just needed to pick up pieces of me that I’ve forgotten to give importance to while we’re still together.

You changed. Maybe I changed as well. It brought us here and nobody’s to blame I guess. It was a good run. We loved each other unconditionally, we gave each other everything but it has to end, doesn’t it? Love was never an issue and that’s what makes me sad. Oh well.

I’ve been trying to move on for months, yes, but tomorrow will be day that I completely leave everything behind. I’ve already accepted things and there’s no bitterness left in me. I just wish you’re happy and you’ll be able to fulfill your wants, needs and dreams that you’ve wanted so long to reach. 

Goodbye. :)